feel really blah right now. fatima says what i need is rest. she says i should go to bed. i resist. i resist because i feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled. i don't know what it is i'm looking for, but i don't have it. all day i felt unsatisfied. wanting something. i went grocery shopping with little brucie who's always so kind and sweet to me. after lunch i tried to fulfil the missingness with a fudgsicle. only made me too full. it was my early day and i went shopping for the belt that i need and got a few other christmas items and some glove/mitts for myself to keep my fingers warm while i drive. still unfulfilled and lonely. not the kind of lonely when you need companionship. lonely inside. i feel that way a lot lately. it was four thirty when i was leaving the mall so i picked up stephen on my way home. he had a humerous poo story to relate from his babysitting venture on friday. after i dropped him off, i got some gas and then i came home and put on my new belt. i sat down at the computer and played solitaire while feeling desperately hungry but despondant at the same time. finally i made myself brave the cold outside and drive to subway for a sub. i got the girl to toast it. after eating the sub i felt full but still empty. i decided to watch days of heaven, so i turned off all the lights and cozied down in the couch for a good watch. it's kind of a strange movie. i felt bad for the farmer. i wanted things to work out for the girl and the farmer. it had beautiful scenes and not a lot of dialogue. and now i can't go to bed because i'm empty.